After A Suicide Loss

Things that help...

  1. Saying you’re sorry for my loss
  2. Hugs and more hugs
  3. Very few words
  4. Cards or notes
  5. Helping with meals
  6. Giving me generous latitude. My grief has no time table; its steps are not sequential. I seldom know when grief will “take me out”.
  7. Expressing total and painful confusion over what happened. Knowing that you are perplexed makes me feel a little more sane.
  8. Cards or notes months after. It’s when your life goes back to “normal” that I feel alone and my loss forgotten.
  9. Say his/her name often. Out loud. Remind me how much you feel the loss.
  10. Instead of saying “mentally ill,” say “struggles with mental illness.” This way the person senses your belief that they can get better, that they are not broken.
  11. Instead of saying “commit suicide,” say “die by suicide.” Commit is a word most often used when referencing crime or sin. And losing a struggle with mental illness is, in fact, not a crime.
  12. Avoiding labels like “crazy,” “looney,” “suffer,” “not normal” and other judgements can be hurtful. And what we really want is to be helpful and caring.

Things that don't help...

  1. ​Saying that you understand. You may care but you don’t understand, unless you have experienced a similar loss.
  2. Don’t avoid me because you don’t know what to say. I already feel peculiar and “distinct”. Please make eye contact; if I don’t want to talk, you will know it.
  3. Don’t give me your summation of why this happened. Even if your thoughts have merit, I can’t hear them yet. I am still trying to wrap my mind around this.
  4. Don’t give me pat answers of any kind, especially at the beginning. They feel like a slap in the face – like proverbs that work in other people’s lives, not mine.
  5. Be sensitive in talking about your loved one. Don’t mention them for a while. I can’t relate, and that leaves a pit in my stomach.
  6. Don’t talk too much. My pain has damaged my hearing.
  7. Don’t rush me. This will take as long as it needs to take. Just walk by my side, as my friend. Respect my desire for privacy in the beginning.
  8. Don’t expect me to “get over it”. I will never get over it.
  9. Don’t ask me how I am. Ask me how I am today. I will try to answer honestly, if you have the time to hear me.
  10. Don’t tell me I will recover; that time will fill the hole my loved one’s loss has left.
  11. I have no intention of recovering like my loss was an illness.
RESOURCES
Home - The Grief Center (griefnm.org)
With Help Comes Hope - Suicidal Ideation or Suicide Attempt Survivor – Mentally Covered
​Missing You - Survivor of Suicide Loss – Mentally Covered